I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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