i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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