Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
