feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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