That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
