Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize