Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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