Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize