Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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