I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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