someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
