i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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