my soul wont recognize me after tonight
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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