my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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