If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
