the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Mom said you looked used
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
