Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Randomize
