i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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