please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
