dude i'm inner monologue high
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
