You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize