Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
