ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
