were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
