I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I want a musical about memes.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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