I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Randomize