just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
