did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
