come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
