i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
