Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
