Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
