I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
