can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize