The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm like, not good at living.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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