did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
