guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
