Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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