Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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