i think my mom watched the whole time
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize