Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
