i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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