just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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