Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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