Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
