I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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