If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
