Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
