you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
