I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
She tied me up with her honor cords...
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
