Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I didn't notice because vodka
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
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