So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
