WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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