Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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