tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
