Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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