xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
