when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
